December 23, 2015

Festivus for the Rest of Us, Including Google

Photo via rockieszingers.com


By Justin H.

It’s easy to forget what day it is since everyone mentally checked out sometime around 1:30 p.m. last Friday. Every day is a new holiday, such as Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Green Monday, Red Monday, Blue Monday, etc.

But today is far from another marketing ploy to get us all to spill our bank accounts all over the floor of the local Target. Forget Christmas Eve Eve, today is every anti-consumerist’s favorite holiday. It’s Festivus!

Christmas and Hanukkah are so 2014. All the cool kids celebrate Festivus now, even Google. Just check out the festive aluminum pole right on their homepage.

Festivus, of course, was coined by Frank Costanza of Seinfeld. It was established as a secular holiday to serve as an alternative to the pressures of commercialism of the Christmas season, featuring a number of unusual celebratory traditions.

Not sure how to prepare for the big day? Let Tek Shouts! offer you some help.
 
Buy an Aluminum Pole


A quick Google search will bring you straight to festivuspoles.com, where you can buy your very own unadorned pole, which will make a strong statement as the proverbial middle finger directed at everyone else’s exorbitant Christmas trees. Its “very high strength-to-weight ratio” will make it the perfect centerpiece for your living room this holiday season.

Prepare a Delicious Meatloaf


Another quick search brings about a meatloaf recipe for the classic Festivus dinner staple. Laid beautifully over a bed of lettuce, this meatloaf will surely bring you and your family closer, though not too close as to avoid the next crucial step of the traditional Festivus experience.

Air Your Grievances


This is arguably the most pivotal aspect of Festivus. Once dinner is served, it is traditional to dispense with the pleasantries in lieu of a flurry of aggressive grievances. Make sure to take breaks between each bite of meatloaf to load up your deepest, most unsettling pet peeves and let it rip. Still bitter about that hideous sweater your sister bought you for Christmas last year? Does your blood seethe at the sheer sight of watching Grandpa chew with his mouth open? Here is where you clear the air in true Frank Costanza fashion.

If you need a little inspiration for how to get the ball rolling, check out Dr. Rand Paul’s Twitter onslaught on his political competition today!


Prepare for the Feats of Strength


Don’t fill up on too much meatloaf, because it gets way too real after dinner. The post-meatloaf custom is for the head of the household to call out one person of their choice and challenge them to a good old-fashioned wrestling match. Festivus does not end until the head of the household is pinned.

So, do what you’ve gotta do. Dig deep into your bag of tricks, because you just might have to put Dad through the dining room table (with love, of course.)


If Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa is simply too overwhelming this holiday season, it might be time for you to make the switch. Festivus for the rest of us!


What’s your favorite holiday tradition? Let us know in the comment section!


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